Things we said today

Today, I wanted to share a sad story with you. It's about the breakup of a relationship.

As told with Beatles songs. Some are covers, but all were performed by the Beatles. Enjoy.

"Martha, my dear."
"Oh, Darling..."
"Love me do."
"I will."
"Why don't we do it in the road?"
"You can't do that!"
"Wait..."
"Leave my kitten alone!"
"I want you."
"I should have known better."
"Honey, don't!"
"All you need is love."
"Don't let me down."
"I'm so tired..."
"Tell me why."
"Because."
"That means a lot."
"You like me too much."
"It's only love!"
"We can work it out..."
"Hold me tight!"
*No reply*
"Julia..."
"What goes on?"
"Honey Pie!"
"Another girl?"
"Help!"
"How do you do it?"
"I want to tell you."
"Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey."
"She came in through the bathroom window. I saw her standing there."
"She loves you?"
"Tell me what you see."
"I've just seen a face."
"I'm a loser."
"Bad boy."
"Baby, it's you!"
"Don't bother me."
"I need you!"
"Getting better..."
"I wanna be your man!"
"If I needed someone..."
"I'm happy just to dance with you!"
"That'll be the day."
"I'll get you."
"When I'm 64!"
"I'll keep you satisfied."
"Boys."
"Any time at all."
"Get back."
"Long, long, long..."
"It won't be long."
"I'll be on my way."
"Good night."
"I lost my little girl..."
"You won't see me."
"I'll cry instead."


The End

Why I don't work for Marvel...

I would have killed for something like this when I was a kid. Well, okay, I would've killed for the Internet when I was a kid. But I saw that Marvel has a little create your own comic app on the Marvel Super Hero Squad site.

It's a pretty simple drag-and-drop design, and you can scale the graphics and word balloons. You even get a choice of cool comic fonts to use as well.

If you don't feel like you have an epic comic book story to tell, you can start with a single comic strip. I gave that a shot, and I was surprised how quickly you can put something together. Click to embiggen.

Yeah, I think we can see why I don't work for Marvel...

When you care enough to print the very best...

You old people like me may remember laboring over making a banner in Print Shop on your Apple II or your Commodore 64, picking the perfect graphic and selecting the right font, only for the damn thing to rip in half when you actually tried to hang it.

This is, of course, assuming you didn't accidentally tear it when you were taking off the pinfeeds.

Do you find yourself feeling oddly nostalgic when you hear the sound of a dot-matrix printer? I inherited our old Commodore 128 (we used it almost exclusively in C64 mode) and discs, and while I was moving the storage bin around the other day, I poked around the inside and found the old reference card for Print Shop.

There were a few years there in the mid-80s when I thought Hallmark was going to fold because I was making so many birthday cards myself. With eight fonts and 50 graphics, I'm surprised with the number of different cards, posters and banners I was able to make. And once we got Print Shop Companion, I had even more options.

My font of choice was Tech. Surprise, surprise. Least favorite: Party. Even to this day I hate that font--and fonts like it. I call it Dingleball.

And my favorite among the graphics? No. 26, the skull. I was told after a few times that while cool, it was not necessarily the best choice for birthday cards. Whatever.

Just looking at this thing brought back so many memories of spending time in front of my trusty Commodore or in front of one of the Apples in my junior high school's computer lab. I liked my Commodore better, of course, since it had a full-color monitor; those Apple monitors were a pain in the ass for me to see, either because they were overused or because of my mild color-blindness.

Plus, one of our neighbors down the street was an avid C64 junkie, and he'd hook my brother and me up with all sorts of games, from Space Taxi to Impossible Mission. It makes me wonder if in the future, my kids will look at the tech of today with a bit of nostalgic love, or if they'll regard it as just another ubiquitous appliance like a toaster.

The two great tastes that--okay, maybe not.

I was thinking of those commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; the ones that say there's no wrong way to eat one. I say they just haven't used their imaginations. With that in mind, I offer you:

The Top 13 Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's
13. Atom by atom.
12. Sharing it with a piranha.
11. On a hamburger.
10. Off the blades of a whirling blender.
9. Flambe.
8. While knowing you're allergic to peanuts.
7. In front of Batman. Mofo loves him some Reese's.
6. During your tristate killing spree.
5. When you're expecting guests in R'lyeh; the chocolate gets all over your face tentacles. (Note: This only applies if you are Cthulhu.)
4. While running naked through PetSmart (that's according to the cops, anyway).
3. Off a hooker's ass (according to my wife).
2. Like Brundlefly.
1. Rectally.

Face for podcasts

Eric Franklin and Dong Ngo host the always-entertaining Inside CNET Labs podcast. This week, they asked me to be a guest, and since I never say no to being in front of a microphone, I happily agreed. So now you can hear my James Earl Jones-like voice pontificate about various nerdery. If you're not already listening, you'd better start. It's like a nerdy Knights of the Algonquin Round Table.

Plus, I discovered that we can say "boner" in the podcast.

I love to love "Love to Love You Bradys"

My earliest memory is of watching "The Brady Bunch" on a black-and-white TV while loading my diaper. Now, this may come as a bit of a shock, but I wasn't actually alive when "The Brady Bunch" was originally on the air. Missed it by a few months.

The first Brady incarnation in my lifetime was the immortal "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour." Alas, as I was only 2, I didn't have much power over channel choice, and I didn't get to see any of it until about 20 years later, when I finally got to watch the opening number of the first episode, in which the Bradys, decked out in polyesterrific, spangled outfits, sing a medley of "Baby Face" and (naturally) Donna Summer's "Love to Love You Baby."

My brain is still recovering.

If you've seen any bit of "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," you probably have the same questions that I had, most of which are permutations of OMGWTFBBQ?! How did this get on the air? Why did this get on the air? What happened to Jan? And if you haven't, check out this montage:



Luckily for you (and Brady junkies like me), the trio of Ted Nichelson, Lisa Sutton, and Susan Olsen (yes, that Susan Olsen) teamed up to bring the world "Love to Love You Bradys: The Bizarre Story of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," the most in-depth record of this show that will likely ever exist in this or any other world.

Being the self-centered sort I am, I can't help but feel this was written for me. I mean, it's a 300-plus-page book about a famously awful show that ran for only nine episodes. How could I not want to read this?

Sincerely, I loved this book. As a fan of things deemed unsuccessful, I'm always curious as the story behind these productions. No one sets out to make a giant steaming pile of a movie or TV show. And in this book, you get to hear from all kinds of people involved in the production of this infamous program. Writers, dancers, and of course, actors--there are really no areas missed or stones unturned in this photo-laden delight.

Despite the length, it is a speedy read, and there are lots of juicy insider tidbits. I won't reveal them; you should experience the fun for yourself.

I don't think that's what KFC stands for...

Someone needs to make a picture of this that has Kanye interrupting him.

Oh, dear God, I'm old.

I wonder if this happens to other people--at some point in your adolescence, time stops. No matter how long something has been, if it's after that cutoff date, it's "new."

For me, this cutoff is around 1985-1988. While I realize Bob Barker let his hair go white almost 25 years ago, I still consider it new. Likewise the Snuggle bear and a bunch of other stuff.

Logically, I know that Aerosmith's "Permanent Vacation" album is 20+ years old, but I don't think of it as being as old now as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was when I was watching the video for "Angel." Does that make sense to you?

I mention this because at the end of this block of 80s commercials, there's a spot for Suncheros chips from Keebler. For some ungodly reason, I have this jingle embedded in my brain to the point that "pequeños Keebleros" is among the only Spanish I know.

Sad, really.